And so the countdown begins

It didn't occur to me until this moment that, since I was having a small wedding and a lot of you wouldn't be able to attend, I could've been posting updates to keep you informed. So, I apologize. I've been kinda busy lol. The wedding is this Saturday and I'm nervous. I don't know why I'm so nervous...I love Paul with all my heart...and it isn't like this is my first marriage. But anyway, I'm nervous and anxious. I've been having nightmares...one was that I showed up but no one else did. The other was that too many people showed up and we ran out of food (which could happen btw). So...this is why I'm such a wreck. Anyway...details: we are having a small, simple service...we were going to go the whole 'no attendants' route but Paul wanted his cousin Ray to still be his best man...so in order to have a best man, you need a maid of honor, and so on and so forth. So...Ashleigh is my maid of honor...she's wearing a gorgeous (albeit a little low cut) pink dress. Ray is Paul's best man...Paul's neice Jenna is the flower girl and my nephew Austin will be the ring bearer (pray this happens...he's told me no repeatedly). My brother is going to escort my mom in and I think Paul's nephew Joshua will be escorting his mom in. My wonderful stylist/friend's mother in law is doing the flowers. My friend and the pianist at Tville Church of God will be doing the music. Beth, one of my best friends, will be doing the photography (you can see her work on my myspace and facebook pages). I will not be wearing white lol...or any version thereof.

This past weekend, Paul and I went shopping for some last minute things. Poor Paul, I had to drag him around shoe shopping and looking at all the wedding stuff. But I told Paul that I didn't know my way around Greensboro enough to go out on my own. And he really didn't seem to mind. I think he even enjoyed himself. We found a cake topper (which reminds me, I need to get it to Fancy Pastry lol), a ring bearer pillow, a flower girl basket, plates, napkins, silverware, tablecloths, etc. The only thing we lack is cups. And Paul sure is particular about the cups. lol. Oh he also bought my ring on Saturday too. It is just a white gold band, although the guy clearly wanted to sell a band with diamonds to match my engagement ring (and the diamond wedding band was about $300). But I wanted simple and simple is what I got. It had to be sized so Paul will probably go pick it up today or tomorrow. It was funny, though, the salesman said that some men come in the day of the wedding to get the ring! I thought that was hilarious!

Anyway---that's about all I have for now. Rehearsal is tomorrow, if you could call it that, and then a small girl's night out is on Friday. I cannot wait for all this to be over lol. :D

Dark Cloud

I wake up sometimes with a dark cloud seemingly above me. I know it is depression and I know it has to deal with my dad, which is why it isn't easily shaken. There's nothing I can do about my dad, nothing I can do to make him feel better...and so I feel helpless. I can sometimes push down the sadness and be normal, but sometimes his sickness just overwhelms me. Not really his sickness...the fact that he will be gone...gone from this world...no longer with me where I can call him to ask his opinion on something...he gives such great advice. And I am having a hard time with the finality of death. I believe in Heaven, I guess...I just don't believe there's a place for me in it. I am so angry with God right now. So I guess this will be the last time I see him...when he takes his last breath. And I've been such a disappointment to him as a daughter recently. I've avoided going to see him...not on purpose so much...I mean, it just seems that so much gets in the way and instead of going anyway...I just let all the b.s keep me from him. I don't want to see him sick though...especially feeling so helpless. My mom, my brother, and my sister in law, however, don't have the luxury of being able to stay away. And so, I guess I am being selfish. *sigh*

Funny ha ha

I just had the funniest thought. I was sitting here thinking about how I need to get back on the plan and start losing again...and then I go grab a Swiss Cake Roll and Pepsi. How ironic!

Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels?

"Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels" This is a weight loss slogan that I've tried to live by for the duration of my 'lifestyle change'. And I've decided...IT IS A LIE. I don't remember what being thin feels like, so how can that motivate me? What about people who've NEVER been thin? How is that supposed to help them? Anyways...here's my list of things that taste better than being thin: my mom's chocolate fudge, semi-melted Hershey's kisses, bagels with cream cheese, pepperoni pizza. So there. I need to find me a new slogan. Any ideas?

Weight Watchers

I have finally decided that I have done as much as I can do on my own. And so, I joined a meeting on Saturday. Wish me luck. They have a new program and the POINTS(c) values are a little different. Well I'm on my way to the grocery store when my mom gets home from church. I gotta be successful at this...I'm unhealthy. Here's a pic of me right after I joined. And BTW, I love my leader.

Dad

Well...thankfully...he is having some good days. But...I think he is finally wearing down. He told my mom the other night that she should really clean the house because when he dies, there will be a lot of people coming over. When mom asked what he meant by that, he said he felt like he'd be dead within a couple days. Granted, he was in severe pain. And now he's not. But still...it kind of shakes a person up when they hear that. Anyway-the hospice nurse came to see him yesterday and said he looked good...but that his lungs were almost completely full of fluid, which we already knew. I mean...there is only a small portion of his lungs that aren't filled...and I guess when that part is filled...he will die. And it will probably be kinda sudden. So...just keep me and my family in your prayers.

"Gone From My Sight"

I read this in the back of a book that Hospice gave my mom. It is very poignant and I wanted to share it.

Gone from My Sight

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my sidespreads her white sails to the morning breeze andstarts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beautyand strength. I stand and watch her until at lengthshe hangs like a speck of white cloud just wherethe sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large inmast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side andshe is just as able to bear her load of living freight to herdestined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at themoment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voicesready to take up the glad shout: "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

By: Henry Van Dyke

Weight Loss + Depression = Weight Gain

Most everyone knows about my dad. And yes, the thought of him dying is unfortunately at the forefront of my thoughts. And so...all the weight I've taken off over the past eight months has found its way back to me. I know why, it's because of my eating habits. The holidays killed me. And it was because I let them. I decided to take a break from weight watchers over the holidays and therein lies the problem. I learned my lesson. No matter how bad you did or think you will do, NEVER TAKE A BREAK!!! It is harder than hard to get back on track after a two week break from eating correctly. When I first started WW, I cut out all of my soda and was used to it. But then I thought...'maybe I can drink just one Pepsi a day and be okay'. And so...a habit started. And then it went up to maybe two Pepsis a day. UGH I can't lose for gaining. And it is all my fault. And the fact that I keep beating myself up about it doesn't help me at all. I'm tired of half-assing my way through this journey. I rarely eat fruit...I hardly eat a veggie. I've found ways to get around the points system without actually learning anything in the process. In eight months!!! So...I'm starting over. And doing it right...by the book.