Dark Cloud

I wake up sometimes with a dark cloud seemingly above me. I know it is depression and I know it has to deal with my dad, which is why it isn't easily shaken. There's nothing I can do about my dad, nothing I can do to make him feel better...and so I feel helpless. I can sometimes push down the sadness and be normal, but sometimes his sickness just overwhelms me. Not really his sickness...the fact that he will be gone...gone from this world...no longer with me where I can call him to ask his opinion on something...he gives such great advice. And I am having a hard time with the finality of death. I believe in Heaven, I guess...I just don't believe there's a place for me in it. I am so angry with God right now. So I guess this will be the last time I see him...when he takes his last breath. And I've been such a disappointment to him as a daughter recently. I've avoided going to see him...not on purpose so much...I mean, it just seems that so much gets in the way and instead of going anyway...I just let all the b.s keep me from him. I don't want to see him sick though...especially feeling so helpless. My mom, my brother, and my sister in law, however, don't have the luxury of being able to stay away. And so, I guess I am being selfish. *sigh*